


What Is Done To Us

by Wispy_Raindrop



Series: Survive, Recover, Live [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Gen, Implied/Referenced Experiments, Implied/Referenced Torture, Others Mentioned - Freeform, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6634399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wispy_Raindrop/pseuds/Wispy_Raindrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Jade Harley and you think this is what Freedom feels like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is Done To Us

**Author's Note:**

> So I haven't written fanfiction in several years so I'm not really confident that I have the characters' voices right. However, this idea came to me during that brief pause between Collide and the final run of updates and I felt the need to write it down and have been sitting on it since. Hopefully you guys like it.  
> This is part of a whole little universe though I don't have a strict plot so I'll just be posting oneshots and short fics within the universe. I also felt this was best as I'm not too good on keeping up on chapter stories.  
> Also, I found the quotes via a Google search so if they are attributed to the wrong people please let me know so I can correct it.  
> Happy reading!

“ _Freedom is what we do with what was done to us.” - Jean-Paul Satre_

 

Your name is Jade Harley and you think this is what Freedom feels like.

You and your rather large group – (too large, you think sometimes, when the air is thick with fog and tension and everyone walks a little too far apart than you really should) – are nestled in a system of caves that retreat deep into the mountain range. You're not sure how far it goes but the main entrance is hidden by vines and shrubs and the other one behind a rather deadly waterfall. It's safe for now and you can find food to last for a while even with how many of you there are and the waterfall provides all the water you need provided you boil it first.

Everyone has their own chores to do though some duties are shared and rotated on a daily basis. Some people are exempt from certain tasks because they are better at another or there's something they can't do. You have to work together to survive which is easier said then done most days.

You do most of the hunting with Nepeta. You both know how best to go about, both remember how to prepare the animals and their pelts, remember how to survive in the wilderness. It's easiest for the two of you though you never work together. It's dangerous, you know, and you're always supposed to go in pairs or trios when you go outside but while you both like each other and hang out something about hunting puts both of you off. You can't be near each other, can't be too close and God forbid if you ever cross paths.

(Hunting comes naturally to you though the range of your attacks seem different and you know how to prepare everything but you can't remember how you know. You remember how to survive but not where all this came from and a small part of you is scared that it's all instinct.)

But you like this life. It's simple and fun and you love the outdoors, always have. You love running outside among the trees and exploring the nooks and crannies of the forest even if you can only do it when you're getting food. You don't have your best friend with you anymore but the fresh air brightens your day and you can't help but smile when the sun warms your skin.

(You try to forget darkness and cold rooms with steel doors. Forget the growling and the roars and the snapping of teeth and the tearing of flesh. Forget the dampness of your fingers and the coppery taste in your mouth. But it floats to the surface just to be forgotten again like the seconds ticking around the face of a clock.)

But this is a good life and you look forward to what each new day brings. You can go where you like, sniff out new and interesting things while tracking down old and all your friends are together and they're okay, everyone's fine.

(Everyone's not fine. You can't remember a night you weren't woken up by someone's screaming.)

The lake beneath the waterfall is cold and rocky but it's the only place you can go and bathe. You alternate which days you all go bathing. Girls go one day, boys the next and so on. It works for now, has worked for the past few months though Karkat keeps going on about how you really can't stay there much longer. You always point out how you don't know how long until winter sets in and none of you are equipped to deal with it right now. Kanaya is still working on clothes from the pelts you and Nepeta bring back but it's been too long since she's done that work and with limited supplies it's a slow process.

Kanaya also knows plants - more than you do, anyway – and the two of you have set up a small garden of herbs and vegetables tucked away so animals can't get to it and unkempt enough to look natural. There's stuff to keep clean and fresh, stuff to help wounds, and things you are both are pretty sure are actually poisonous but might eventually be useful for something.

(You ignore the way Kanaya sometimes looks at your neck or leans too closely. Ignore the way her scent is off to you in a way that's familiar but that you can't quite place most days and always seems to have a hint of blood to it and the way her skin sometimes glows in the dark.)

The cave system is nice, cozy now that you've accumulated items to fill it with far back in the recesses of the earth. It's close enough to the waterfall that you can escape if necessary and away from the main entrance so no one will immediately see that it's lived in. There's evidence outside, sure, but you hope no one gets any reason to look too closely at your temporary home.

But you remember to hide, remember to cover your tracks and mask your scent. You remember to listen and look over your shoulder. It's not much but it's better than thinking about the things you've forgotten, things you keep forgetting. You tie things around your fingers, bits of thread torn away from ratty clothing, dried grass or flowers. They help you remember what to do, little facts, recent facts that you can't forget but your mind gets fuzzy and sometimes when you wake up you can't quite remember what's important in that moment. It would be better with some actual rope or ties but you make do.

You don't know how patchy your memories are, how badly your mind has been scrambled. Sometimes you think you remember something but no one else seems to or they bring things up that they think you should know but you don't.

Sometimes you're not sure what's real, what actually happened and what is all in your head.

But that's okay as long as you are all together. You can fill in the gaps for each other, lean on each other's shoulders. You can get better together.

You like to think so at least. Some would agree, some wouldn't and others pretend they don't care. But you know none of you can do this on your own and so you'll do whatever it takes to keep you fighting as one.

Still, though, sometimes you're not sure if you can do this. There are days you wake in a cold sweat, days you wake up with blood on your hands and one of your friends nursing an injury as another restrains you. Days you almost completely forget again.

You hate those days the most. You don't like forgetting, it makes you feel lost, feral, and you are more than just the wild girl in the woods. That used to be fun, used to be a something of a nickname you and your friends joked about at school. You _want_ to remember, the good, the bad, there's not a thing you want to forget. You want to remember _everything_.

That's a lie.

You're not too good at lying, not unless it's simply not telling and even then some of your friends manage to tease stuff out of you. And you can't lie to yourself.

There are things you want to forget, things from before the tests and the torture, before That Place was even a thing you were aware existed. Things you remember even in your worst moments.

You remember Aradia, bright-eyed and cheerful rather than dead-eyed and deadpan.

You remember Nepeta, curious and adventurous rather than reckless and feral.

You remember Dave, always cool and put together rather than absent and mumbling.

You remember Rose, eloquent and evaluating rather than distant and staring.

You remember quite a few things from before, what the others were like, how they felt. It's not everything but you remember how the acted, interacted. How they looked at the world.

And every time you look at them now you remember. You see the scars they hide away beneath masks and worn out clothing. You see how different they are, how they've grown and changed in the years you didn't see them, didn't know what was happening to them.

Didn't know what was happening to you.

So yes, there are some things you'd wish you'd forget, toss aside like leaves in the wind. You want to forget what they were like, want to forget how That Place changed them, broke them.

You want to forget the time that you were happy, the time you knew what Freedom actually felt like. But you can't, the memories are stuck there even while more important ones are slipping through your mind like water through a strainer.

Your name is Jade Harley and Freedom feels bittersweet.

 

“ _You see, freedom has a way of destroying things.” - Scott Westerfeld, Extras_

 


End file.
